My Addiction

I happen to believe folks with addiction are simply sensitive people self-medicating to numb and coup.

Before I was diagnosed with Type 1 Bipolar some 3 years ago, before I realized I suffered from childhood emotional neglect as an infant September 2023, I was a work addict. 

From a young age I developed the belief that my worth was proven by hard work and achievements. Our culture and society reward me for that.

That’s why I graduated from Computer Science with first class honors, even though I was more depressed than a face-down barbie.

That’s why when working at Westjet’s IT department, my last full-time employment before I become a stay-at-home mom, I continued to push myself even though I was not well. “I got this.” and “I can do hard things” were my mottos.

EPISODE 1

I quit my job at Westjet by accident (another story). This was followed shortly by Episode 1 and hospitalization at Foothills Hospital in Calgary.

Thinking back to the time leading up to all that, I could feel the pressure building up, buzzing in my brain. I didn’t know that was a cue from my body asking me to slow down.

To admit something as simple and fundamental as (not) taking breaks changed the trajectory of my life is maddening.

EPISODE 2

I didn’t stop. In Calgary, in Port Moody, I continue my pre-programed behaviour.

On top of whatever else I was doing as a mom at home, I built privacy screens and planters from scratch when my son was in half-day preschool. I painted walls in the basement at night when my husband was on business and my children were sleeping. 

I rejigged our backyard by moving rocks, dirts, and plants around. I volunteered in PAC and related organizations. I baked bread. I brewed kombucha. 

None of these would have been a problem if I were more in touch with my body. I just kept trying to prove myself without realizing that was what I was doing.

The result was Episode 2 - severe depression that just wouldn’t let go of its grip for months and years.

EPISODE 3

My work addiction is also why I started a handmade soap company when my younger child began school full time and therefore I had “free time” on hand.

Fast forward a few years, I shut down the business because, you guessed it, Episode 3. I was hospitalized at New West’s Royal Columbia Hospital. Because of the COVID-19 pandemic, my family couldn’t visit and I was not allowed to go out.

Not long after that, in late 2021, I woke up one morning and didn’t know what to do. I panicked. You figured I would have learned by then, after 3 episodes. The normal response would have been to call my family doctor. But instead, I went out to get my first email marketing client and started a freelance email marketing company.

Looking back it’s comical.

Most people are not like that, no?

I'M HERE NOW

I happen to believe folks with addiction are simply sensitive people self-medicating to numb and coup.

Drugs and alcohol are the usual suspect. But addiction can show up pretty much anywhere - food, shopping, sex and love, gambling, gaming, TV, you name it.

For instance, someone in my bipolar support group was an elite level marathon runner: He was using endorphins from running to self-medicate.

On March 5, 2024, I’m once again hospitalized from a manic episode. 

So much work ahead of me.

But at least now I no longer tie my worth, or anyone’s worth, to achievements. I now believe we are all intrinsically worthy of love and belonging the way we are.